Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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