I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
