I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
