You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
