I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
