you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
