Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
