Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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