I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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