my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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