epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
