I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
