I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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