watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I deserve this hangover.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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