At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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