I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
