Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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