so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
