Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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