I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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