are you still at the devil's house?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
