Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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