Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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