Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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