Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
