I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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