if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
