Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
