If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
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