I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
