i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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