Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
