Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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