I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
