a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think I sprained my soul last night
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I touched a dick in church today
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
