I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
