i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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