1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
