Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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