when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
