Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
