Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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