M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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