You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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