My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize