Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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