Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize