Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
