I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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