Tell her she can't have a vagina
what day is it and did you see me today?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
