I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
