I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
