I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
