I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
