My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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