I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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