the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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