Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
