umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
